Almost But Not Quite
by CherryDoom2006
Summary: Nny decides that it's all God's fault that his life sucks, so revenge must be exacted!  He kills himself.  Enjoy Angel vomiting doom, and a special guest cameo by the all omnipitent diety himself!  Rated T for language!


Disclaimer: I don't own anything here...we already knew this...now shut up.

A/N: The whole (chhshhh) thing going on...that's the static from the walkie talkie...just make the sound with your mouth...see? walkie talkie static.

_The darkness consumed him. He remembered this felling from the last time. The pain had subsided by now, the feeling floating and falling at the same time taking over his limbs, the feeling of relief in his subconscious taking away the fear.  
__Almost there…Almost…there._

Nny woke up stared at his new surroundings. The clouds, the garbage, the flying bunnies…Fuck, not again. Saint Peter was at his station, just like last time. He glanced up and saw Nny staring at him.  
"Noooooo!" They screamed simultaneously. Saint Peter leaned over and started to projectile vomit as he remembered what he had seen in his book about Nny and the horrendous acts he had committed on earth. Nny made his way through the "pearly gates," past the vomiting angel.  
"St…Sto…vomit….STOP!" Peter cried through his gagging. But it was far too late, because Nny was already inside, pissed off, and looking for God.  
Outside the gate, Peter had finally stopped puking long enough to grab a walkie-talkie (yes, they're very high tech in heaven!). (chsshhh) "Eliza! He's back! Watch your head! The explosions! THE EXPLOSIONS!" (chsshhh)  
(chhsshhh) "Roger that, Peter. I'll find him. He's not going to make a mess out of heaven like he did last time. That fucking psychotic nun is still pissed off, and I just got her calmed down so she finally stopped her rampage of doom. I really don't want to do that again," (chhshhh) Eliza replied.

Nny ran through heaven looking for the fat little Buddha looking bastard that had made his life a living hell. As he rounded the corner, Eliza stepped into his path.  
"Why are you here!?!" She screamed.  
"Where's God?" Nny asked in a low and threatening voice.  
"He's busy. How did you get inside?" she asked again.  
"Through the gate. Just like last time," Nny replied, pushing Eliza out of the way.  
"I can't let you do this, Johnny. You're eternally banned from heaven. The mess you made took days to clean up! That nun is still pissed. Just leave, and we'll let it slide. No one will ever know you were here," she said as she grabbed his arm.  
"Let go of me," Nny growled.  
"No," Eliza tightened her grip.  
Nny turned quickly and concentrated on Eliza's head exploding. He visualized the brain swelling, pushing it's gray matter against the skull until the pressure became so much that it caused the skull to crack, and then it to burst through the skin on the outside.  
"Don't do it…" She began.

BANG!

Nny ran and rounded another corner, running smack into the arm of God's "Lay-Z-God" recliner.  
"It's about fucking time," Nny said.  
"Yes, yes, what do you want?" God yawned.  
"I'm here to make you pay. My life sucks, and it's all your fault!" Nny screamed.  
"Oh really?," God flipped the channel on his TV. "Oh, that's right…You're the waste-lock that made that huge mess up here a while back." God took a sip of his Brainfreezy.  
"Brainfreezy?" God offered, showing Nny the cup.  
"Heaven has Brainfreezy?" Nny asked momentarily forgetting his anger. "Fuck yeah! Cherry Doom, please"  
Nny looked at his hand that was suddenly very cold. A "Giant Slurp" sized Cherry Doom Brainfreezy was instantly in it.  
"I'm still going to destroy you," Nny said through the sips.  
"No, you're not," God giggled as the clouds parted and Nny fell through.  
"FOOOOOOOOOOK!" Nny screamed as he fell.

Eliza, out of breath and still panicking, ran up to God. "I'm so sorry! We couldn't stop him!" She said.  
"It's Ok, Eliza," God replied as he yawned again. "I took care of it."  
"Where did you send him?" She asked.  
"Where do you think?" God sighed, scratching his fat ass and changing the TV channel again.  
"I need a mop…He left a mess of my brain matter in the hallway," Eliza said quietly.  
"Janitorial closet. To the left," God said waving his arm towards the closet.  
"Thanks…" She said.

Nny hit the ground hard, and looked around at his now different surroundings.  
"Fuck. Now I'm back in hell," He said.  
"Fuck, indeed," the familiar voice of Senor Diablo said as he materialized in front of Nny. "Why are you here? I was certain I had sent you back."  
"You did send me back. God sent me here again after I tried to kill myself so I could finish exacting my revenge on that fat fuck," Nny said standing up. "He ruined my life!"  
"Not quite," Senor Diablo said as he turned around.  
"I know, I know…Forces of evil, waste-lock, flusher, balancing of power, and all that shit," Nny sighed, realization setting in that this was a wasted effort.  
"How did you off yourself this time?" Senor Diablo said as he started to walk down the path to the inner city of Hell.  
"Same way I did it last time. The blowing out of the brains and all," Nny said as he followed.  
"Ah, always an effective choice," Senor Diablo replied.  
"I have to go back to earth, don't I?" Nny asked.  
"Yup!" Senor Diablo said happily. "Every time you kill yourself, you'll be sent back. You have a predetermined fate Johnny my boy! I thought we went over this?"  
"I don't really remember…" Johnny started.  
"And you probably won't remember this time either!" Senor Diablo said as he turned around. Johnny felt himself propelled up towards the sky, and then everything went dark again.

He woke up again on the floor of his house. This time, his memories were much clearer. He remembered the devil. He remembered God.  
"Haha…The phrase stands true for me, I guess…Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over," He said with a laugh. He ran his hand over his head and found that he was completely bald this time. "Well...Fuck...This blows."


End file.
